People say nothing lasts forever, and my dream of becoming a doctor isn’t nothing. So, I should’ve been prepared, for I already knew it would not last forever.
Back at kindergarten, whenever someone asked me what I would want to be when I became older, I, steadily, answered: a doctor.
The dream had not changed for the next eleven years. Otherwise, it grew stronger each and every day. Especially when I was 13, when I had to do pre-surgery medical checkup that made me intensively met the doctor and the anesthesiologist. That day, I promised myself that I had to be a doctor, preferably an internist or anesthesiologist. Although I knew how difficult it was to enter, and survive, the medical school, I never cared about how difficult it was. I believed I was worth and capable to have the dr. title in my name.
As time went by, God directed me to His real plan. It happened on one fine afternoon of August when I was sixteen. Long story short, after changing the channels aimlessly, I finally watched an Asian movie with surgery scene. Halfway, I sensed an improper feeling I should never have felt: I could not stand the sight of blood. Since then, I realized I could never survive the medical school. Never.
Indeed, my heart shattered into pieces. That felt so hurt to know the only thing that distant you from something you’d been dreaming of the entire life was yourself with your stupid fear. I asked God why He did not show me earlier before I chose to enroll and got accepted in Science major. I was lost.
I might be totally fucked up at that time, but the universe would not give a damn, for the show must go on. I changed all the plans I’d dreamed and built for years and started to seek other ways. Honestly, I never knew nor did any research about other majors beside medical school. Bioprocess Engineering, Chemical Engineering? I did not even knew it was exist before I was on twelfth grade.
Then again, God showed me His beautiful way. And, here I am, being an undergraduate student majoring in Bioprocess Engineering. (Later, I will tell you the story how did I end up there. Wait for the upcoming post, ok?)
So, when someone asks me what the most heartbreaking moment in my life is, I, steadily, answer: The day I realized that I had to bury my dream to become a doctor, that every time I thought about it I can feel my heart figuratively breaks.
Already (trying to) move on,
Tiara Putri, S.T.
(Can I get an amen?)